Relationships: Why you shouldn’t settle

This post can be broken down into so many elements/ sub-posts. From this I could talk about love vs lush, feeling stable and comfortable, not knowing your worth, being scared of being alone. However, to keep it as a blog post and not a book I’ll try to keep it limited. In the work edition, I spoke about being trapped in a job, the same can happen in a relationship. In the friendship edition, I talk about outgrowing friends, the same can happen in a relationship. 

Sometimes dreams can be blinding. In a world where people nowadays only meet in clubs or on tinder, it has become even harder to find that special someone no matter how easy dating apps are trying to make it. Due to this, you may dream of being married, having kids, having that house and when you meet someone who wants the same thing you could end up holding onto them without a second thought. Just because someone wants the same as you doesn’t mean they want it with you…and vice versa. Age plays a part in this; the need to meet goals in life by a certain age or hearing the biological clock ticking. From the men, I know they don’t feel the biological clock as much as the women I know and assume they’ll have everything when they’re 30-32. I’ve had many friends say “I’m going to get married when I’m 30” yet they have no interest in finding someone and setting a foundation before the age of 30. So when you hit 30 are you just going to find any woman and get married just because?

I have never been afraid of commitment, but I have always asked myself what if. That’s the fear of settling down with the wrong person and not knowing for sure if they’re the one. Even with the butterflies and the nervousness, at first sight, I’m still unsure of that person because it’s entering the unknown. Suppose in this sense you could say I have a fear of settling but this is because I know what I want, and I know my worth. I know what I expect from a partner, I know what I expect in the relationship and I know what I expect from life. It won’t always turn out exactly how I want it however if you have truly experienced love and life you will know your worth and understand why settling isn’t an option. You may feel so defeated by your previous or current relationship that you would want to settle and say enough is enough however if you are thinking like this, a relationship shouldn’t be in your mind right now. If you do feel defeated it’s time for you to go on a journey of selfishness. 

They say it takes 3-4 months for couples to finally feel comfortable with each other in a relationship. Being comfortable with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the right relationship. Having someone that makes you feel warm and safe are things we all desire from a relationship, however, over time (years) things can change and it is possible to fall out of love and out of desire for that person. As crushing to the soul as heartbreak is, don’t stay with someone just because you think it’s the right thing to do and you don’t want to hurt feelings. Again, age plays a part in this element, with a hint of maturity. On the other end of the scale, there is a thing of being too comfortable. When someone gets too comfortable they feel like they can do or say anything, and you’ll accept it and move on. Soon enough you could end up become a pushover. It’s a wonderful feeling to be comfortable with another person and to be able to be yourself with that person but there needs a line in relationships and sometimes being too comfortable can be considered as crossing the line. This is why we hear stories of couples of have been together for more than 10 years and ‘out the blue’ break up. Things can get too comfortable and feel too routine and before you know it a relationship can feel like a partnership. By saying all this, I don’t mean leave your loved one asap and find someone else. There are many ways you can both try to make it work and bring passion back into a relationship, however, if you have done all you can and are only staying because you don’t know if you’ll find someone else then that is a reason I cannot accept. In relation to this, if you have tried with someone or you have fallen out of love with someone but stay with them because of the kids or because you don’t want to break up the family, don’t use this as an accuse. Think about your happiness. Kids are important however your partner can remain in your children’s life but you need to find your own. It’s not you breaking up your family, it’s you finding closure and your peace. Make plans and the necessary arrangements between your partner and your kids and find your love. People tend to stay with someone they are out of love with because of the kids however they’re smart enough to pick up on behaviours and they can pick on up attitudes and signs that could make things for them even worse.

Never settle when it comes to your heart. 

Friendships: Why you shouldn’t settle

Its ok to outgrow people. Whether you’ve know that person 12 years or 12 days it’s acceptable and sometimes expected to cut people off or distance yourself from people whilst you are on your own personal journey. I have spoken to multiple people over the past few months (mainly men) who have left friends behind, so they don’t fall into a life of crime or worse. I’ve also spoken multiple people who have left friends behind because they’re at different stages of their lives. I have done this too.

If you’re someone who wants to focus on your career, education, setting yourself up for the future but you’re hanging around people who are all about lads holidays, lads night outs, lads waste money then it will either go two ways. 1) you might end up drifting away and joining people on your wavelength. 2) you may abandon your plans and stay with those friends out of loyalty, guilt or stupidity.

Just because you cut someone off at a certain point in your life, doesn’t mean they’re gone for good. There might be a point in life were they friend is on your level and you are now able to let them in again. I myself had friends but grown tired of your immaturity during times where I was grow professionally. After finishing University and continue with further education, whilst working I have friends still acting like teenagers and I thought ‘I don’t have time for this, I’m too grown for the stories and the drama’ and I cut them loose. I’m still on my professional development and taking care of my mind, body and soul so I’m still at a point in which I don’t need those people back in my life and I’m ok with the fact I never will. I still have my memories and life experience and in terms of not settling by having certain people in my life, I’m happy with that. Since then I have met amazing people, on my level that I consider as good friends. Making friends as an adult is very difficult in comparison to making friends in school however it is very beneficial. When you keep hold of friends you have known for years they hold you in a certain light and no matter what happens they will still see you as that child they met years ago however, making friends as a adult, what they see if what they get. No judgement or knowledge of you before them and you connect on a different level. Whether it be through work, another friend or an unexpected meeting as adults we have more ability to say whether it was nice to meet that person and I hope they have a good life or I like that person it would be nice to hang out with them more.

We group physically and mentally, we change our views and beliefs and sometimes they are not the same as the people to keep company with, that’s ok. Friendship too can change and over time you can go from seeing someone every other day to hearing from them of special occasion but that too is ok. Change is expected in personal development and take could mean changing who you confide in and who you label a friend.

In a previous post months ago I should able leaving negative energy behind. We all stan loyalty but what if you are loyal to someone who is no good? Don’t settle for keeping people in your life due to how long you have known them think about whether you want that energy in your life and if your mental health has any healthy benefits from knowing that person.

Work: Why you shouldn’t settle

You should never settle when it comes to working. Think about how long you spend at work per week. Then think about how long you’ll be spending working over your lifetime. You might be comfortable due to location, accessibility, colleague friendships but what about ambition, goals and the question of what if which we all ask ourselves. 

To not settle you first need to have a goal set and understand your worth. When I first graduated I use to apply for jobs between £15-20k, non-managerial, no experience required because I was so use to seeing ‘unfortunately’ emails when I applied for anything else. I had experience in what I was applying for and due to University, I had the knowledge but the one thing I didn’t know was my worth. It took me years to build confidence and know my worth and that was due to constantly bettering myself with qualifications and by having the right colleagues in my corner to motivate me. “What do you have to lose if you apply for a £30k job”, one colleague said to me and it’s true. The con would be another ‘unfortunately’ email, whereas pros would be they see something in me to move me through the interview stage or even offer me the job. 

Until I meet my goal, I never get comfortable in a job. I constantly search to see what jobs are out there. I don’t necessarily apply for them all, but it’s good to understand when during the year more jobs are available and to see what companies are doing in comparison to where you are now. As I said above, it took me a while to know my worth and now, as long as the position looks right for me and the money (including benefits) looks right for me I will shoot my shot and apply. I will only be holding myself back if I don’t.

There will be times when you know your worth and where you wish to be in life however, you might not be ready at that moment in time and that’s ok. If you think you want to be promoted or you want a certain managerial role however you’ll be readier in 2 years, do what you need to do for your CV and character to stand out in 2 years. If you hit the 2-year mark and the promotion isn’t available or there’s no job within that company you want, don’t be afraid to move on. Find a place that is willing to offer you exactly what you’re looking for. That could take a long time and out of anyone I know this, but sometimes you need to leave a position, take time out, wait and soon enough the right position will come along. If not, think about what is missing. Maybe you need a certain qualification to stand out, or maybe you are looking for work in the wrong location.

If you get to the stage where you have got everything you can out of your job and the company, ask yourself why you’re not pushing yourself further or ask yourself what your next step is. It’s easy to stick to what you know and to get comfortable within that environment. If you’re content then do what you need to do, however, if you’re sitting at work and you feel like something is missing that could be your mind telling you it’s time for a change or to be your own boss.

Plot twist:

Be aware of who you confide in at work. Not everyone you smile at is your friend. Just as you have an end goal, someone else you work with does too, and it might just be that your goals are the same. Sometimes healthy competition is needed at work however don’t let people take advantage of you and don’t get left behind. I’ve met some genuine people in previous roles, some I now consider my closest friends, but I have seen people get double-crossed and I have seen workplaces go from sweet to sour. Keep reminding yourself work is work and home is home. Focus on yourself and remember your journey.

To Spend or To Save?

A lot of us want to travel more, have breaks from work and eat out at the nicest restaurants but we also want to save for the future, have a mortgage, live comfortably. With a lot of jobs not paying enough and the economy today, it’s hard to have the best of both worlds. So, to stay on track, in an attempt to live in both worlds, here are a few things you can do to save money:

  • Have a personal bank account as well as 1-2 saving accounts; be sure to put 70% of your monthly wage in the saving accounts.
  • In line with that, transfer money into saving accounts monthly and have the will power to not take money out of these accounts.
  • Research/get into investments (shares, houses etc.)
  • If you have a business idea, write up a proposal and go for it.
  • Limit how much you spend weekly (through your personal account). Example, how much you go out, how much you eat out.
  • Only buy what you need, not what you want.
  • If there is something you need, look out for discounts or sales.
  • If you need extra assistance, make use to piggy bank apps, help to buy accounts, Monzo.
  • A great search for knowledge is money supermarket expert wesbite.
  • Make cut backs if possible. For example, if you pay for the gym but don’t go, do you really need to keep the membership?
  • If you have time and are willing, you can take on a second job (part- time).
  • If you’re not happy where you work, use this time to progress with your career. This might lead to a promotion or a job with a salary increase.
  • Look back on my previous post on saving money during the summer. It looks at how to have fun on a budget.

Be Impulsive

Being impulsive has got me far in life and so far so good. My personality is pretty spontaneous and if anyone has been on my Instagram, you’ll see my posts are very random. My spontaneousness shows in all aspects of my life. It had led me to travel alone, handing in my notice from a vile job (with no job to go into), arranging cute dramatic dates with my friends, making new memories. Not only would life be dull without this personality trait but I would have never had some of the opportunities I’ve had without out it.

Check this…
I’ve always wanted to blog but never had the time to. After leaving my job last year I had nothing to go into. I had back up money, faith in my decision and didn’t want to be treated a certain way so I left without warning. I deserved a break anyways but I didn’t take a break. I got into volunteer work, found part-time work, started coaching and mentoring and made a website for my blog at last. It was a long time coming but I needed a moment to think and take a leap of faith. Yes, I am now in full-time work but beforehand I would have never believed I could have done this. It took an act of impulse to sit down on a day off whilst part-time and put together what I have now. That’s one out of many experiences I could share but the point is being impulsive has paid off. Sometimes impulsive behaviour rubs off on others for the better and provides a lift of confidence.

Being impulsive can be risky but it is riskier on health to do nothing at all but think ‘what if’. Never let your mind hold you back otherwise you’ll never move forward.

Whats on your bucklist?

Most people make new year resolutions but I’ve never seen the point in them unless you’re someone who genuinely sticks to resolutions and follows them through to the end. Personally I like to make a bucket list at the beginning of summer. It gives me enough time to think about what I want to do and usually summer brings on ‘good vibes’ which means I’m more liking to do what I want to do rather than during the Winter.

Recently I’ve been busy focusing on blogging and working so my list this year is very short but I don’t put a deadline on when activities and tasks need to be completed.

I love the feeling of accomplishing what I have set out to do and it’s nice to write down my plans and tick them off once they have been completed, instead of sitting at work, feeling as if I’m wasting time.  

For now, I want to travel around the UK more, maybe head towards Scotland, revisit the Lake District and continue my quest to find the best mac and cheese in London.

I want to make the most of all my qualifications and find the dream job, get on the housing ladder within the next 2-3 years and focus more on me.

So I ask you, what’s on your bucket list?