Relationships: Why you shouldn’t settle

This post can be broken down into so many elements/ sub-posts. From this I could talk about love vs lush, feeling stable and comfortable, not knowing your worth, being scared of being alone. However, to keep it as a blog post and not a book I’ll try to keep it limited. In the work edition, I spoke about being trapped in a job, the same can happen in a relationship. In the friendship edition, I talk about outgrowing friends, the same can happen in a relationship. 

Sometimes dreams can be blinding. In a world where people nowadays only meet in clubs or on tinder, it has become even harder to find that special someone no matter how easy dating apps are trying to make it. Due to this, you may dream of being married, having kids, having that house and when you meet someone who wants the same thing you could end up holding onto them without a second thought. Just because someone wants the same as you doesn’t mean they want it with you…and vice versa. Age plays a part in this; the need to meet goals in life by a certain age or hearing the biological clock ticking. From the men, I know they don’t feel the biological clock as much as the women I know and assume they’ll have everything when they’re 30-32. I’ve had many friends say “I’m going to get married when I’m 30” yet they have no interest in finding someone and setting a foundation before the age of 30. So when you hit 30 are you just going to find any woman and get married just because?

I have never been afraid of commitment, but I have always asked myself what if. That’s the fear of settling down with the wrong person and not knowing for sure if they’re the one. Even with the butterflies and the nervousness, at first sight, I’m still unsure of that person because it’s entering the unknown. Suppose in this sense you could say I have a fear of settling but this is because I know what I want, and I know my worth. I know what I expect from a partner, I know what I expect in the relationship and I know what I expect from life. It won’t always turn out exactly how I want it however if you have truly experienced love and life you will know your worth and understand why settling isn’t an option. You may feel so defeated by your previous or current relationship that you would want to settle and say enough is enough however if you are thinking like this, a relationship shouldn’t be in your mind right now. If you do feel defeated it’s time for you to go on a journey of selfishness. 

They say it takes 3-4 months for couples to finally feel comfortable with each other in a relationship. Being comfortable with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the right relationship. Having someone that makes you feel warm and safe are things we all desire from a relationship, however, over time (years) things can change and it is possible to fall out of love and out of desire for that person. As crushing to the soul as heartbreak is, don’t stay with someone just because you think it’s the right thing to do and you don’t want to hurt feelings. Again, age plays a part in this element, with a hint of maturity. On the other end of the scale, there is a thing of being too comfortable. When someone gets too comfortable they feel like they can do or say anything, and you’ll accept it and move on. Soon enough you could end up become a pushover. It’s a wonderful feeling to be comfortable with another person and to be able to be yourself with that person but there needs a line in relationships and sometimes being too comfortable can be considered as crossing the line. This is why we hear stories of couples of have been together for more than 10 years and ‘out the blue’ break up. Things can get too comfortable and feel too routine and before you know it a relationship can feel like a partnership. By saying all this, I don’t mean leave your loved one asap and find someone else. There are many ways you can both try to make it work and bring passion back into a relationship, however, if you have done all you can and are only staying because you don’t know if you’ll find someone else then that is a reason I cannot accept. In relation to this, if you have tried with someone or you have fallen out of love with someone but stay with them because of the kids or because you don’t want to break up the family, don’t use this as an accuse. Think about your happiness. Kids are important however your partner can remain in your children’s life but you need to find your own. It’s not you breaking up your family, it’s you finding closure and your peace. Make plans and the necessary arrangements between your partner and your kids and find your love. People tend to stay with someone they are out of love with because of the kids however they’re smart enough to pick up on behaviours and they can pick on up attitudes and signs that could make things for them even worse.

Never settle when it comes to your heart. 

How to have fun on a budget

Doesn’t matter how much money I have or make, I’m in my mid 20’s and from South London, whatever I do by default is on a budget. With summer upon us, if you’re from the UK or travelling here, I’m going to share how I do the most using less.

First you need friends who also move on a budget. There’s no point expecting to save money over the summer if your friends would rather spend every weekend at the Ritz or partying in Mayfair. This summer the most expensive things we’ll be doing is £50 on The Ends Festival and a £45 on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory afternoon tea; due to my love of this childhood story. Alone, I may look at doing a weekend trip abroad but travelling is not always expensive. When travelling I do it on a budget and always keep a lookout for deals and make use of all methods of transport. I plan to have a less costly Summer by hiking, walking a lot and parks for picnics and Museums (with free entry).


I enjoy eating out but I can limit myself and save by going on picnics or carrying a packed lunch from home. I can avoid cocktail (sometimes) and expensive wine bars in exchange for buying a bottle of wine or putting money together with friends for spirits and mixers. If we go out to eat, we don’t have to go overboard. I admit, this summer I’ll be going for Brunch a few times because I love it but I don’t need to break the bank and go to the most expensive place or order everything off the menu. I like to travel so, to avoid the costs of trains, coach is a good way to go, it all depends on where you go and what day of the month. Make the most of travel cards, discount codes and any student deals; make them your best friend. There’s no embarrassment in saving money. I still use my student card and no matter where I go I always ask ‘Do you take NUS?”. In addition due to my current role I now have a Blue Light Card that provides additional discounts. Check newspapers and the internet for deals around the UK for restaurants, travel or anything you wish; Groupon and Last Minute is a good place to start.
If you wish to go through summer alone or maybe with your partner, again nothing needs to be expensive.

Doing activities alone is probably the best way to explore and save money at the same time. In addition, make use to 2 for 1 discounts or travel cards of you are planning activities with your partner. The possibilities of having an amazingly cheap and cheerful summer are endless.

Do you know your family?

A year ago I went on an ancestry website to learn more about myself. I am lucky enough to have grown up my grandparents (on both sides) and hear all their stories but, I’ve always been interested in going as far back in time out of pure curiosity and to share our history with future generations.

I have always been aware of where I come from and my Bajan Gran has done her job to tell me everything about her childhood, how she came to England and what her parents were like. Also being Bajan she seems to know everything about everyone. My mum too has been great in sharing her memories and knowledge with me. Understanding our culture and history has always been important to my family and something I had to know about from a very young age.


I did my ancestry test back in October 2018 and to this day, the results still have me in awe. Doing the test is considered expensive to some but if you think about how they get the results, it’s really worth the cost. In March 2019 the technology updated meaning my results are considered more accurate as shown below. It’s extraordinary to see that I’m not just from Barbados and Jamaica (with an Indian twist) as I’ve grown up to know. Black people all know or should know history enough to know we originate from Africa, but I never imagined the results saying Benin, Congo and Cameroon. The 1% European Jewish and Germanic Europe still throws me as I wasn’t expecting that but it’s still an amazing find. My mum always swore we had Spanish blood…when I dance others also say this so it was incredible to see there’s actually a link.

My friend has also recently done a test and would now like to be known as ‘African Queen’ due to her very surprising results. Whether it’s you or your friend finding out about past generations it is beyond exciting and interesting and I believe we should all find out where we are from; whether it’s doing a DNA test or speaking to your grandparents about history. I can now go forward knowing if I ever have children or if my nephew asks I can give as much information as possible and say more than just “I’m Jamaican and Bajan”.

Updated results
Part of the map

Distance yourself from bad vibes

Sometimes with mental health we tend to distance ourselves from people; usually the ones who care about us the most. We’re too fixated on our worries, stress and negativity to think about whether the people we do keep around are the problem.

I’ll happily admit I’ve cut close friends out of my life purely because I recognised they were no good. Friendships & relationships needs to work both ways. If you’re with someone who doesn’t ask how you are doing, calls just to check up on you or only talks about themselves, you need to question what’s the purpose of this. Depending on where you’re from, taking me (a British) for example, we don’t always like confrontation, dealing with frustrating situations or not being liked however, if you have someone in your life who isn’t bringing food to the table, simply send them away from your house (not literally but I think you get the point). I’ve had friends, even an ex who were so wrapped up in their own world and superficial behaviour that they didn’t realise I too was generally going through situations in which I needed support. When we are depressed or anxious we don’t want people to worry or feel sorry for us so we don’t make a big deal or say ‘look guys I’m depressed’ but someone real and meaningful in your life should be able to see a shift in your behaviour or even in your expressions, lifestyle and appearance.  Due to this, if you see a friend that is usually dressed to the nines and suddenly stops caring about their hair, or getting dressed up for a night out, just sit that person down and have a 1 to 1; see if they open up to you and trying to have a heart to heart.  

In whatsapp group chats there is usually one person in the group you’re closest too, or the loud one, the one with all the banter, the one with the gossip, the one who replies every 5-7 working days, the meme one and the one who reads but ‘forgets’ to reply. It’s very easy to act okay and to have a good time together but there’s no harm in opening a direct conversation with someone in the group if you pick up on something they said within the conversation that didn’t sit well with you. Sometimes people in group conversations can be indirect or like me quite passive aggressive. Check on your strong friend.

The thing with certain friends, especially the loud or the gossip is that you may question their intentions. The gossip could easily spread your business and the loud could easily make the situation about them. If there’s someone in your circle you don’t trust or can’t rely on, cut them out. If there sometimes there, sometimes not- cut them out. If you feel you’ve out grown the friendship- that’s right, you cut them out. Sounds harsh and rude but honestly, it’s a breath of fresh air to get rid of bad vibes. I’ve known people for many years and have outgrown friendships and acknowledge I’m better off without them. If I can’t confide in you and rely on you to help me get out my bad mood or to at least support me as a distraction then there’s really no time to entertain this. Sometimes it’s the people you’ve known for less time that become really good friends and its usually down to maturity and the stage in life you’re at.

Its not always friends that could be a problem. In the black community, especially within older generations (our parents, grandparents, more on) they don’t acknowledge mental illness as a thing. You must get up and continue with life, no point crying over spilled milk. The older generation believe we’re just lightweights and that they’ve been to hell and back so whatever we are going through isn’t that bad. Truth of the matter is, this world hasn’t become easier, everyday they’re constantly struggles. Culture sometimes stands in the way of treatment. In addition, seeking professional help, statically its hard to find a black professional in this field or if you do go to a Caucasian professional, would they truly understand your issues? It really depends on their experience.  I don’t think my professional understood that you can’t always just walk into a black household, sit down and openly talk about your feelings. In addition to family, your partner could have an impact.  Not everyone will have the most supportive, affectionate or understanding. How they help you deal with your mental health will determine whether they deserve a place in your life; unfortunately, you may love someone but its not always enough. Toxic behaviours and love could be one of the reasons you are feeling worried or stressed or depressed in the first place. If this is the case there are multiple reasons why you may not want to let go: fear of being alone, thinking you’ve found the one, thinking this is what you deserve, embarrassment or ending a relationship, the list goes on. However, when it comes to doing what is best for you, you need to be selfish and what’s best only  for you. Bearing this in mind, picture your life without the emotional and mental affect of this person. Think about the benefits of losing that negativity. You won’t automatically start feeling better, but you develop as a person and get to a stage in life were you will wonder why you put up with them in the first place. If you have to tell someone in your life to take a step back or to leave you for good, do you and maybe with maturity and time they will understand why.